Yet to grieve is to be human and being human, comes with grief at some point. It cannot be escaped, dodged, or cheated. If dodged (also called avoidance), it comes with a cost.  There are no shortcuts. Nonetheless, it might just be the one thing that we all have in common. Often times, when we are in the thick of grief, we feel like no one could ever understand or relate. However, I have at times been surprised to discover that there are people who are either currently or in the past, have walked through something similar themselves. That is when I have this monumental realization that “I am actually not as alone as I think I am.”  

Grieving is a crucial and complicated process, because it does not follow a logical pattern. Sometimes, it may feel chaotic. Yet other times, it may feel like a person is moving backward instead of forward. One might then ask, what might grief look like? Does it have a face? A certain look or vibe? Grief can happen to anyone, and yet the world does not stop. Grief has many faces. It doesn’t always look sad and downcast. In fact, sometimes, it may look quite the opposite. It can be the guy at work, who jokes and appears to have, not care in the world. It can be someone in your social circle who is dressed up and seemingly appears to be the “life of the party” at a social event. Yet deep inside, only they are aware of this aching loss, loneliness and the urge for resolution.  

Consider the Veteran who once enjoyed structure, camaraderie, and purpose, who is now struggling to adjust to civilian life and duties. They feel lost and are now grieving what felt like a “safety net.” Consider the person who is having to grieve the loss of a relationship they once enjoyed, but over time realized the person they once knew, is no more but a shell of themselves; the aging man who is overtaken by grief because he can longer walk, run, work or live independently in the house he worked so hard to build.  

Sadly enough, people often assume that after a devastating event or loss, the person’s life is back to normal after say a month. Grief is not an event, but a journey. It requires people to walk with you, to listen, to offer support and encouragement. Grief has a spectrum of emotions. It is important to also keep in mind that a lot of times, grief can masquerade as anger and resentment. Life feels unfair, and one might feel that they did not do anything to deserve such pain or loss. Grief can look like avoidance. It can look like someone who is emotionally and socially detached.  

If you are grieving today, know that you are not alone. Perhaps you feel trapped. Perhaps you feel like life will never be the same again. You can no longer see life in color. Perhaps you wonder if it is worth holding on to any kind of hope because your circumstances look bleak. You wonder if you will ever feel radiant joy again. Life is meant to be lived in a community. We simply aren’t wired to do it alone. First, grief needs to be validated and acknowledged. Receiving genuine love and concern plays a big part in one’s healing. Emotional presence from a loved one reduces feelings of alienation, because grief can be extremely isolating for the person walking through it.  

Navigating grief can be tricky but not insurmountable even though it may feel like that in the beginning. It is important to recognize the resilience of the human soul and spirit. Many say that “time heals all wounds.”  I tend to disagree. Time itself does not heal. But the person walking through grief just gets better at navigating it. Some decline and some are able to rise from the ashes. The Bible mentions, how “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Hope is needed and required at a minimum, to move forward. This hope can look like- “Things will change in time,” or “Even if things do not change, I will eventually find new meaning or a new normal.” However, between grief and the place of resolution is the path of the unknown, because sometimes there are no answers. Only questions. Setting small goals in the beginning can slowly set one up for success. What might these small goals look like? At first, it could be as simple as showering, eating at least two healthy meals a day, taking a ten-minute walk outside, and talking to a supportive person periodically. Hence, putting one foot in front of the other, in itself can be a very powerful thing. Gradually, these goals can transition toward engaging in behaviors that the person may find rewarding and meaningful- such as taking up music lessons, participating/joining in a book club or a common interest group, attending church or planning a fun activity with friends.  

Sometimes, unfortunately, people do not know how to appropriately and sensitivity respond to someone who is in grief, which can lead to hurt and misunderstanding in relationships. So, what are some examples of ways not to respond to someone in grief? Here are some examples:  

• “Well at least you have a job, a house, a partner, children… etc. I am still looking for a job and a partner.” 

• “It’s been a month; isn’t it time to move on now?” 

• “Don’t worry, your loved one is in heaven and they are healthy now.” 

• “You still have so much to be grateful for” 

• “You can always try again”  

• “There are so many fish in the sea” 

• “No point crying over spilled milk.”  

• “I told you this would happen, if only you had listened to me”  

• “You rushed this whole thing” 

• “Things could be so much worse”  

• “We must accept God’s will” 

• “Maybe this was meant to happen” 

Let’s now look at some ways to appropriately respond to someone who is grieving. Think outside the box- Gestures go far beyond words in terms of impact (hugs, hand holding, bringing a meal, helping with chores), body language that conveys openness to listen without judgement, emotional presence to convey you hear them in all of their pain and you are not there to fix anything or provide opinions. You are simply there to show that they matter to you, and they don’t have to do this alone.  

What about silver linings? Grief forces us to re-evaluate who and what matters most in this life.  It can propel us toward being sensitive and responsive to others’ suffering. The best part is rediscovering who we were always meant to be- our true identity. Grief changes us and shapes us in unique ways. Perhaps grief is the reminder that life was never meant to always be perfect and that we as humans are capable of doing some very hard things, things that we couldn’t have otherwise accomplished without grief.